Note: this was written as a guest post for the Slopstache, which is an amazing blog run by my old friend and comedy partner Grant Robertson.

Q: What do you do when your Korean girlfriend wants home-cooked Italian spaghetti in Vietnam at 9pm?

A:

First you run down to the local corner store, which is literally this place:

Cornerstore

Just your typical general store that offers basic dried goods and sundries, serves fresh hot soup, and mends motorcycle tires and guitars.

Much to my unsurprise, this establishment did not offer up anything in the way of spaghetti noodles and sauce. Except, whaaaat? They TOTALLY had spaghetti noodles and sauce… in ramen form!

With authentic Spaghetti Flavor (Packets)!

With authentic Spaghetti Flavor (Packets)!

I also picked up a couple of cans of meat, which were confusing and tricky, because they said “ham” on one side…

Bo Ham

…and “beef” on the other:

Canned Beef

Suffice to say, this resulted in me rotating the can around, pensively, time and again, trying to figure out what kind of meatfoolery was going on, but then I realized that the Vietnamese word for “canned” must be “ham.”

I hope.

Once home, I assembled most of the rest of my ingredients:

Ingredients

Omachi Spaghetti Ramen, a funky yellow Vietnamese tomato(?), so much garlic, some ham/beef, and a $2 liter of Vietnamese “red wine.”

And the magic ensued.

Packets

Not one, not two, but three flavor packets. What could possibly go wrong?

SpaghettiRamen

Hundreds of years of Old World artisan pasta mastery and tradition: dried and pressed into two dense loaves of Spaghetti/Ramen.

gas

Open the valve to the completely dangerous-seeming Vietnamese gas cannister that the shirtless fat guy delivered a few days ago.

I'm still trying to find the button that turns this thing into a Mecha and/or Sex Robot.

I’m still trying to find the button that turns this thing into a Mecha and/or Sex Robot. For now all it does is unevenly heat pans and make me really sleepy when it’s been used for a long time with the windows shut.

Fatball

“No, Francois. Let that one go. He has spirit!”

Cooking Meat

I don’t even believe myself when I look back at these photos, but this canned beef was actually exceedingly delicious.

French Oil

Spatter in that unlabeled oil that some French guy who was moving out of the apartment upstairs gave you the other day.

Garlic and Persimmon

Chop up the garlic and discover that the yellow tomato is actually a persimmon.

Roux

Blend flavor packets into an oily, tepid roux.

sauce

Inexpertly mingle roux, meat, and garlic into something resembling a meat sauce and simmer until it is oily and foul-smelling.

At least the pasta actually resembles what it is intended to be.

At least the pasta actually resembles what it is intended to be.

A little actually-from-and-in  Asia Sriracha might prop things up a bit?

A little actually-from-and-in Asia Sriracha might prop things up a bit?

Cream Cheese

Drop in a wedge of cream cheese as an act of desperation.

wine

Yeah… on second thought, let’s not actually use this terrible wine for anything.

sauce

What hath God wrought?

Plate

Carefully plate the food on your finest plastic.

Maybe?

Maybe this won’t be that bad?

Break Up Face

I’m breaking up with you.

Gochujan

The Korean has her method of coping with a difficult situation…

Beer

…and the American has his.

Well, there you have it. A complete disaster, a health risk, and a taste that won’t leave your mouth for days, no matter how much Gochujan and Vietnamese beer you guzzle. I attribute the failure of this dish primarily to using the abhorred flavor packets, and for mistaking a persimmon for a tomato. As mentioned before, the meat was actually very tasty and some fresh home-made tomato sauce might actually have tied this all together decently.

Still, the persimmon came in handy for a yummy dessert!

persimmon

That is true disappointment you can see on Bokeum’s face in the background.

I give this meal 0 stars and recommend you never attempt such folly under any circumstances.

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2 Responses to Ramenghetti

  1. Bokeum Bae says:

    honestly, It was so terrible…. :'(… please never follow this recipe.. hahaha

  2. GRiTS says:

    A thoroughly horrendous meal makes for a thoroughly brilliant read 😛

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